Other Things that mama told me

Not to say yes to crack

Dont pick your nose infront of public

Not to scratch your ass when girls are araund

Not to hit girls

Not to cuss.

Not to cohabitate.

Not to use that language.

Not to go in the first place.

Not to invest in Telecom stocks.

Not to date sluts.

Not to eat with my hands.

Not to drink from the filthy bucket.

Not to train octopi.

Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.

Not to mix plaids and stripes.

Not to wiggle.

Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.

Not to save and collect my empty enemas.

Not to smell my feet.

Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.

Not to lick the poison mushrooms.

Not to unlock the closet.

Not to wear her bras.

Not to play with the children under the stairs.

Not to juggle the plutonium.

Not to smoke her cigars.

Not to seethe.

Not to let the dogs out, because she'll know who did it.

Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.

Not to dance dirty.

Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.

Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.

Not to tap on my brother's iron lung.

Not to take candy from strangers.

Not to let Dad out of the closet.

10 things you shouldn't do at the gym

1. Don't skip the New Member Orientation.

2. Don't show up ten minutes late for a class you've never been to before, get in everyone's way, and demand that the instructor explain everything over again just for you.

3. When using unfamiliar equipment that won't seem to budge, don't force or yank things around until you break them. Ask for help.

4. Don't use the fact that you'll be showering afterwards as an excuse to show up smelling totally nasty and funky.

5. Don't drop heavy weights from great heights or slam things around or make exaggerated grunting or screeching noises.

6. Don't neglect to wipe up sweat after you use the cardio or weight equipment.

7. Don't hog the weight machines by doing multiple sets if someone else is waiting for it. Offer to let them "work in."

8. Don't jump on cardio equipment without knowing the rules.

9. Don't forget where you put your towel, either in showers or up with the equipment, so that you end up grabbing someone else's by mistake.

10. Don't forget to pack the toiletries and other items you will need post-shower; asking to borrow other people's stuff is generally frowned upon.

funny

if the wind blows your face will stay like that

if i ive told ya once ive told ya a 1000 times

standing that close to tha tv you`ll go blind

you make a good door but a lousy window

shut that door was ya born in a barn

if ya tell that lie again a bird will peck ya nose off

shut up ! sit down ! and behave yourself

if ya don`t eat ya greens you`ll be hort for the whole of ya life

eat the crusts of ya bread and it will give you curly hair

wtf, dude you scared me =/

just things i was told as a boy by my momma there is more but i got tired of typing